Speed Secret #1 – Cars have parking brakes for good reason.

Our tale of racing adventure starts in my dark cramped garage putting the finishing touches on brake repairs the start of which included removing the parking brake (see Barber write-up). I’ve taken my car off the jack stands and it is sitting on ramps while I tighten the lug nuts. The rocking motion of this causes the car to start to roll off the ramps. (I had earlier closed the garage door since it was raining cats and dogs.) In a panic I summon upon my super human car lifting strength to stop the car rolling. This works almost. My foot slips and the car gently rolls into my aluminum pop can thin garage door. This is a milestone, since it marks the 3rd time I’m mentally prepared to either sell my car or light it on fire.

In retrospect the door being closed is actually a good thing since I live on a very steep hill and had both of my ‘regular’ cars parked directly behind the garage. The moral (as always) is thankfully idiots and small children have full time guardian angels.


Speed Secret #2 - Drink Plenty of Fluids.

I’m not a cartographer, but my rough calculations looking at Google Maps show me that Kershaw, SC is roughly as close to the equator as South China, or Egypt. The moist balmy swamp heat is slightly different then the surface of the sun black parking lot reflection heat of Barber, but equally unpleasant. Here is a fun fact, how much does the average man sweat when unloading a car trailer, and unpacking several hundred pounds of wheels & tires, tools, and spare parts. The answer enough to be dehydrated or get heat stroke if he is stupid enough not to keep drinking water or Gatorade.

My partner in crime, pro racing driver James Clay, arrives in typical pro race car driver fashion - At the last minute and just in time for the race to start. Despite every evidence to the contrary, James still operates under the illusion that I have a race “team” just like he does that preps the car and does all the hard work while I fan myself under a canopy with a supermodel on my arm. I’m up for the enduro race and unbeknownst to me at the time 7 liters short on fluid. We start in 3rd place and are quickly fighting with the Beertech pole car for first. We swap positions a few times and suddenly the Beertech car is off to the side with an apparent mechanical problem. With no real competition I settle into fuel conservation mode driving around 80%. About 40 min. into my shift I have a splitting headache and am getting nauseous. Not good. I subtly (at least in my mind) inquire how much longer. I’m rewarded with insults to my manhood from my crew chief. At this point my mind is starting to wander and I can’t concentrate. It dawns on me what has happened but there isn’t much I can do except try not to kill myself and stay out as long as possible. Clay inquires if I’m ready to come in and I’m in the pits before he can take the headset off (still in 1st place).

What happens next never ceases to amaze me. There is a guy that I’ve never met that wants to help our ‘team’. He worked on a NASCAR crew and enjoys being crew chief for a few hours. I let Clay take over while I sit in a chair and try to drink as much water as I can get into my body.

Thanks to me and my early pit stop. Clay has to drive for 1hr and maybe 50 min vs. the 1 and 30 that would be the halfway. My car starts to stutter due to low fuel around 1hr and 30. He has to come in for another splash of gas and with that we’re in 2nd place solidly since another team runs glamorously for fuel economy and we get beat on pit stop strategy.

I’m sick as a dog and can’t even join in the obligatory enduro Mexican celebratory feast. I make it halfway back to Camden, SC the nearest outpost of civilization before I’m forced to pullover and projectile vomit approximately 4 gallons of water. It was quite spectacular. After a shower at the hotel I’m convinced I’ll live to see tomorrow.

Another piece of trivia Camden, SC is the site of a revolutionary war battlefield, where our fore fathers fought to throw off the yoke of British oppression. Take that limeys.

Speed Secret #3 – Chickens aren’t pets.

Saturday morning arrives and “SHOCKER” there is more work to be done on the car. In case you aspiring race car drivers out there haven’t figured this out. There is always work to be done on the car. It literally never ends and you usually finish right before you have to drive it and break more stuff to fix again. I feel much better. The brakes on the car are still questionable but there isn’t anything I can do at this point other then make lemonade from my lemons. I go out and qualify in 3rd place.

***A small editorial note for background*** Mike Skeen of mikeskeen.com, wins every race of ours that he enters. He is that good. He almost won a TV show. He has raced at Daytona in a pro series. It’s about as fair as me playing in a 10 an under basketball league at this point. He is a really nice kid, but we all hate him and wish he’d get a job racing cars and leave us all alone.

Standing start, which is kind of like a drag race. You rev your car up, wait for the green flag guy to drop the flag and step off the clutch. Hopefully your tires hook up and you’re off to the races. If the guy in front of you stalls his car in the process you ram him in the trunk and wreck. Pretty cool. Good start and after one lap Mike Skeen of mikeskeen.com pulls into the pits. I can hear the other 3 guys by me thinking the same thing. “HOLY SH!T I CAN WIN THIS RACE MIKE IS OUT!!!”.

I make a move on JP #155 and take the lead. This lasts for about a lap or so before I make a mistake and he is back in front of me. The tires and brakes feel horrible and Travis #800 is in my trunk. I get sick to my stomach remembering that I forgot to take air out of the tires. I’m running at my qualifying pressures which given the length of the race means they’ll be about 8 pounds too high right about – now. If you think back to highschool physics you’ll recall that pressure and heat are bad things. My car is a handful. All three of us approach the hardest braking zone on the track at about 115mph. I stand on the brakes and it feels like a rear tire slips or locks up and I snap spin at around 80mph off the track and into these cool white PVC pylons. I hit them so hard people in the paddock area hear “Thwack Thwack Thwack”. I decide I’ll get back on track and see if anything is broken by going as fast as I can. Aside from a violent shudder it all holds together. But I’m too far back to catch up. 3rd place is mine. Oh well I’ll take it.

Then it gets weird.

Al and Travis – collectively known as Malt Liquor Tech Racing Team decide that their 1st place enduro victory and Travis’ 2nd place race finish should be celebrated with live chickens, Malt Liquor, and Fireworks. Ironically they find everything within 30 mins. except the fireworks.

On Saturday we have the awards dinner for the enduro and Sat. feature races. You get cleaned up, get your trophy and stand next to the pretty trophy girls. Al and Travis polish off their 40 oz. of Olde English 800 and are on their 4th or so beer when they come in holding live chickens.

Racers being inclined to mischief someone pokes Al’s chicken which freaks it out and we almost have a loose chicken flapping around. Someone mentions animal cruelty and the show is over. Al and Travis are rewarded on Sunday (camping at the track nursing celebration hangovers) with a 5am cock a doodle doo wake up call. Travis times them every 8 seconds they crow from 5am to 7ish.

Speed Secret #4 – Qualifying is an accurate judge of talent.

Since Mike Skeen of mikeskeen.com is so good, I started this idea by telling him he should start from the back of the pack on the Sunday race and see if he can win it. Since there are very very small amounts of money on the line here he initially declined. After a little more discussion and trash talk, 4 of the top 5 qualifiers decide we’ll all start from the back of the 17(?) car field and see if we can get to the front.

It takes around 4 laps for us to catch and pass the rest of the field but it was a blast. I’ll update this with links to video when available. You have to see to appreciate. Unfortunately like the rest of my car the video camera went on strike. I had a shudder from a flat spotted tire (result from the spin on Sat) and I still don’t know going into a particular corner if my brakes will work. Fun times. I qualify 5th and finish 5th.

Pack up and drive 5 hours back home in time to unload the car and take the trailer back to Tim’s Little River Storage facility. I finish all this around 10pm. Back to work on the car for the August race and the circle of life continues!!!